Let’s bomb Salford

scootersLast week, in but the dead of night, my girlfriend had her scooter stolen from our back garden.

It’s a horrible thing to happen as it’s not just a vehicle that’s gone missing, it’s something that is yours, something you own and feel connected to. It gave her freedom and happiness. She had even given it a name – Scoot.

It had a steering and brake lock so I assumed it was secure. You know, as it couldn’t actually be moved. But hey, some thieves found a way to nick it somehow, the resourceful gits. Maybe a group of them carried it away. Who knows?

I do know it’s being ridden around Salford, the city where I live, because when driving home in rush hour traffic, I saw it whizzing past me in the opposite direction. He even threw in a daring wheelie just to draw extra attention. In the traffic I could do nothing accept inform the police, who themselves can’t really do anything either.

A theft like this leaves its mark, and not just in Sally having to pay for the bus to work. It makes you angry. Seeing him whizz past me like that, I started playing through fantasies of me reacting quick enough to swerve and knock him down in the traffic.

It’s that urge, when wronged, to want to do something! With time for consideration, I’ve decided that doing something like that would not have been a good idea. Following the lead of our politicians, I’ve decided instead that, on balance, the best thing to do is to bomb Salford.

Salford as it was last time
Salford as it was last time

Added to this we need to cut off other supplies to the thieves, so I will be pressing for sanctions against Nike and Rockport. There is the cultural argument as well, so we should also campaign for parents to look out for extremist behaviour, such as their kids wearing tracksuits despite not participating in aerobic exercise of any form.

We know they are out riding the scooter, so it will probably be best to bomb anything that looks like a scooter, so that would include anything with two wheels such as motorbikes, children on bikes, and wheelchair users when viewed side on. It’s best to be careful.

I admit now, some innocent civilians may be killed in this campaign. As I also live in Salford that will probably also include me, but that’s a price I’m willing to pay for my freedom.

Actually, on second thoughts, my girlfriend and cat also live in Salford. Ok, hold back on the F16s for a bit, maybe a bombing campaign might be a bad idea.

But then, bombing Syria is also ridiculous, and that’s still going to happen, even though most of the British electorate are against it. Some Labour MPs who voted for the war have even complained about bullying.

They say they have received death threats. Even though those threats The are extremely unpleasant, it’s very unlikely to lead to anything other than having your feelings hurt. A commons majority voting for air strikes on a country? Yeah, I think that might have a few more consequences, so possibly be a tad worse?

During the debate Hillary Benn drew praise for getting a round of applause following his speech. Yes, but it was mostly from Tory MPs, who he is in opposition against. If you tuned in halfway through the Manchester derby and Wayne Rooney was receiving a standing ovation from City fans when being substituted, whilst United fans stayed silent, you would be pretty sure he’d fucked up!

There are other things we could do of course. America has a novel way of putting off Islamist groups from attacking it’s civilian population by getting white Christians to kill people with guns instead. Unfortunately, even that one is up for grabs now, although I doubt Islamist terrorists could over hope to reach the horrific tally Mejor in death toll that white gun nuts have achieved.

Or, I suppose, we could avoid starting wars and interfering in the region militarily, stop backing the worst regimes, such as Saudi Arabia, and also challenge racism targeted against Muslims as well as anyone else.

But then, where’s the proof that would make a difference? No, you’re right, let’s try the bombing thing first. What’s the worst that could happen?